Fostering Men Until They Find Their Forever Homes
Brought to you in the spirit of Valentine's day...a senseless holiday that I'll never be subjected to
A few months ago I had the pleasure of participating in an interview for
as part of her “Funny AF Women” series.Of all the responses I provided in my interview, this was the one that attracted the most attention:
If you’re in a partnership, is he or she funny? Was/Is humor a requirement?
I’m not currently in a relationship. I prefer to foster men until they find their forever homes.
I’m still not in a relationship and may never be.
Back in my travel writing days my standard excuse was, “I’m a flight risk!” Which was absolutely true for many years. I didn’t have time for relationships because I chose to travel.
But even after I slowed my roll and let my passport rest awhile, I still managed to come up with every excuse in the book as to why I didn’t want the tie-down of a relationship. Fostering is the solution I came up with and I dare say, I’ve been a fantastic temporary home for many souls in “The Book of Men.”
Without further delay….
The following story is brought to you by a strong dose of peer pressure from
Presenting…my original take on fostering men, formerly published on Medium, circa 2019.
We all know the whirlwind feeling of being in a new relationship, whether with someone who has the potential to be long-term, or just a “right now” partner who fills a gap.
The honeymoon stage is the ultimate high. You’re so wrapped up in all the feels of the new person that all our life commitments fly out the window. We put off plans with friends because we’d rather bask in the glow of this new relationship. We trade nights out for nights in because it’s more intimate.
What if this new person could be the one?
But then, after a certain amount of time with our new person, inevitably reality has to set back in. We have a life to live outside of romance and eventually, other things need to get done. Other friends need to be seen. Dogs need to be fed.
This is the part where I’m conflicted. Do I have what it takes to make it through the mundane parts too? The reality parts? I’m not sure I do.
❔❔
Lately, I’ve had a few dates with a new person. He’s pretty chill, easy to spend time with, and loves the art of making out as much as I do. It’s been a pretty awesome beginning, romantically speaking.
The other night he stayed over and it was sort of pleasant having someone next to me in my always-empty bed. He doesn’t snore, which is on my “lifelong partner” checklist. So there’s that.
I felt very comfortable waking up next to him, making coffee, and sitting on the balcony together just enjoying the moment.
But then, my mother called. It was her birthday that day and I had texted her the night before to tell her to call me when she was up and about.
So there I sat, chatting with my mom who loves to talk. We ended up staying on the phone for about 30 minutes. “Guy” was sitting next to me on the couch throughout my conversation, and about fifteen minutes in he started getting all handsy with me.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but a birthday phone call with my mother is not the time to be putting your hands up my shirt. I get it, he was still turned on from the night we’d just spent together. So was I, but there’s a time and a place and neither of them involve my mother.
Later that day I would have to go to work. Annoyance kicked in when he’d stayed long past the time when I wanted him to leave. He didn’t have work that day and it was like he had no regard for the fact that I did. He just wanted to keep making out all day.
As unromantic as they are, moms and jobs are a regular part of life. And I happen to like my mom and my job. I felt a little annoyed that he didn’t respect those two boundaries at that moment.
And that’s when it kicked in. The feeling of being stifled.
It happens every time I get involved with someone because I like to keep my romantic escapades completely separate from necessary life commitments. Not everything blends cohesively, and NO, I can’t just make out all day long just because it’s your day off.
Although I am very proud to be an independent woman, I do believe there are a few bonuses of being in a partnership.
Splitting the bills for starters. I mean, who doesn’t want that?
However, I’m not sure I’d be able to blend my life with someone else for the long haul. It seems very inconvenient.
More often than not, I feel like my life purpose is to just foster men until they find their forever homes because I don’t feel like I AM a forever home for them.
I love the honeymoon phase, the romance, the whirlwind, and the fun. But I kind of hate the idea of having to mix my serious life with a partner. Because then it becomes real and mundane.
It becomes toilet seats left up and shavings in the bathroom sink.
I adore coming home from work at night and sitting down with my laptop or Netflix, uninterrupted. I love waking up in the morning and having no one bother me for the eight to twelve hours of personal time I need with my coffee and mindless social media before starting my day.
And I certainly love having the freedom of talking on the phone with my mother without someone searching for my nipples.
Perhaps I just haven’t come across the RIGHT partner yet? If he’s the one, would we instantly achieve proper balance? Do they all need to be schooled in appropriateness or am I just too rigid?
There’s a high probability that I just have no clue how to do relationshipping. 🤷♀️
I hope all of you have a fantastic Valentine’s Day (even though you should be celebrating your partners EVERY day!) It’s such a weird concept to me.
Do you and your partner fall all over the idea of Valentine’s? Or do you make the effort to cherish your relationship every day?
Or….maybe you also choose to just foster?
As someone who has been with the same partner for 36 years, married for 30 of them, I say with all conviction that Valentine's Day is unequivocally the dumbest holiday capitalism has ever created.
I said what I said.
Maybe because we grew up together in our relationship, that early stage nonsense -- specifically the groping of one another at inappropriate times -- got left back where it belongs -- in our early 20s. It was wonderfully fun and I don't regret it for a second. At this stage of the game, though, if either of us did that, it would elicit a full-on "WTF is wrong with you?" response from the other. I think it's called "maturity" or "adulthood" or some such nonsense, and it's part and parcel of "partnership", in my opinion. The "mundane" stuff is honestly where magic happens for us, whether it's navigating a difficult patch with each other or something to do with parents or children or anything else we come across in life. Being in the $h!t together is powerful stuff and creates the kind of gratitude and appreciation that fortifies our partnership.
What you describe is exactly the reason I would not have another long-term relationship, should the occasion arise any time in my future. I have plenty of whatever pleases me to fill my life without having to consider someone else. I've done enough of that, thank you. Besides, nothing could top this one.
Fostering sounds great, Kristi! You are not too rigid and I think you have found exactly the right way to relationship for you. 🙌 👊💥
Ha! Up to 12 hours of “you” time?
I think that there’s this silly idea that we all have to conform to the norm, baked right into our cores. The norm is supposed to be, partner up and then be happy.
But the idea that we all fit in that box is ridiculous! First of all, I know so many unhappy couples. It isn’t working for them but they seem stuck.
I’m a long-hauler in relationships, same wife for decades now. But, I also work away from home for stretches of time. So we both get our alone time. Nicole and I also have different friend groups and interests, so even when I’m home we split up and do different things A LOT. I’ve always thought that was one key to our success, to not rely on each other for everything and to have our own, independent lives.