Our grieving process is boring compared to that. I want a shoe too! Or something really colourful with lots of flowers. When my dad passed away, at the funeral we passed out permanent markers in different colours and then let people write a message on the coffin. It was kind of cool to give him one last message.
I love this, thanks Kristi. I could go on about my thoughts around North American's wacked ideas about death and dying but who needs one more internet opinion. What we do need are more great essays like this. It's fascinating that Jamaicans say good-bye with a replica of the deceased's home.
LOL didn't you know Donna....everyone needs another internet opinion! 😁
And yes, those replica grave markers are pretty insane. It's so neat what one can do when they live in a country where people are free to build what they want to on their own property. Here you need permission to paint your door red I'm sure lol.
My whole family just does parties now. They gave up on the funerals because people kept insisting on bringing in a pastor and intoning a bunch of stiff stuff in solemn tones that none of us wanted to hear. Things the deceased person specifically asked to NOT have at their funeral in several cases.
So instead we meet at a house and do food and drink until it's really late.
Illegally spreading ashes at the person's favorite location is also what we do. Sometimes you gotta be sneaky in Canada.
LOL at the illegal part. Trust me, when I'm ready I'll be doing illegal things as well. Who's going to see me in the mountains?
I love that you guys make it a lively home affair. When I see those on TV it looks like way more fun than what I've done in the past. Sadly, the most important memorial I have ever/will ever do happened during Covid with restrictions. We only got one shot and it was a pandemic. Boooooooo.
My dad's side goes all in on catering and serious alcohol for a week. It looks like a party to outsiders, who often misbehave because after 3 drinks they forget it's a funeral. One of my brother's coworkers outed him as gay at our dad's funeral. NOT cool.
Holy smokes!!! Sounds like an Irish party to me. We have longtime family friends who are Irish and ALL their gatherings are like this, even if someone died!
Kristi, I had a big laugh (in the appropriate spot!) about the old woman who lived in a shoe. The grave marker replica of the house is remarkable! As you know, we just returned from Madagascar where we witnessed two Famadihana celebrations. The Malagasy custom is known as "the turning of the bones." Loved ones are exhumed and their bodies are wrapped in new shrouds. Relatives and friends truly celebrate this time spent with that person again---the merriment includes a parade (and a lot of rum). In Bali, we saw the roadside cremations you mentioned. Imagine! I've seen documentaries about the Indian custom of cremation where everyone gathers in hopes that the skulls will explode (a good omen).
Jann Arden's book If I Knew Then was a big inspiration for me to have a will done. Just a fun fact---if you are donating money to a certain charity and also list family members as recipients of your savings, the allocated money goes to the charities first.
I’ve seen that same documentary about the Indian cremations!!! It was fascinating! Like, of course the loved ones were sad but it was still such an intriguing and celebratory custom to witness.
The turning of the bones sounds equally as neat. I can’t imagine but then again, maybe some people can’t imagine why I wear jewelry with my son’s ashes inside lol.
See, this is why I love travel and stories about faraway places. There is SO much we don’t know! Thank you for sharing your insights of Madagascar.
a friends mom recently passed - she was a spitfire. we held her memorial at a brewery and passed around jello shots (always her contribution to a party).
officially want sparkles mixed in with my ashes or perhaps dusted over my body.
That's a fascinating tradition! I'm a bit more familiar with European traditions than Caribbean. I've never been to a European funerary service, but tending to grave sites is much more common there. I have visited catacombs and "bone houses" in the Austrian Alps with stacked painted human skulls and other bones. Its pretty jarring compared to what we consider normal. Also pretty stark contrast to being buried in a shoe!
Also, you might be interested in Niki Elle (can't tag her in a comment) her on Substack. Her publication is called Full of Life and some of her content relates to her work as a Death Doula and grief counselor.
My husband has Māori decent, so I have been able to see how things are done differently in their culture, as well as Polynesian cultures through in-laws and close friends.
The loved one is returned to the family, from the funeral home, leading up to the funeral.
People are encouraged to visit with the loved one and the family on the days leading up the funeral. Telling stories, to sing, to cry and to laugh. This can be at the home, if it’s big enough, or a hall or marae (a sacred gathering place for the Māori). You can even sleep around the loved one. Something unheard of in a lot of cultures.
You can move through your grief, and feel the full gambit of emotion. You are not alone.
Families are fully supported. Everyone close to the family kicks into gear, supplying food for the family and visitors etc. Children grow up in it and understand how to move through grief emotionally and practically.
I haven’t had a lot to do with my Japanese culture around funerals. But I do love how loved ones are often together on a family grave stone (in Japan they mostly cremate) and there are deep traditions around visiting the grave, as well as having pictures and a Buddhist alter in the home to pray and remember those who have passed on.
Thanks for sharing how other cultures honour departed loved ones. 💕
In NZ, there are a lot of us with English decent. We often send our loved ones off with a eulogy (often learning so much more about the person), stories, poems, songs and some finger food at the end to pay our respects to the family and catch up with old faces.
Mika, thank you so much for sharing both your cultures with us! It’s so neat learning and I bet for as much as we think theirs is strange or different, they think the same of us.
BTW, here in Canada we’re also pretty big on eulogies.
I love this story, Kristi. It's beautiful, and that they wanted to include you. Grief is such a bummer. I think having others around who respect the loved one and know where you're coming from is such a gift. Thanks for sharing this.
That's funny, MY bank told me August was Make A Will month! Actually I think EVERY month should be. Loved your story of the Jamaican funeral, and yeah, we do a pretty shit job here in the US of A. It's part of what I am trying to change, one newsletter at a time! My dream project is a coffee table book of funeral traditions from around the world.
We are just so weird about death in North America. Like it's not supposed to happen to anybody, ever — which is about as anti-life an attitude as a culture can have. Sigh.
I think in order for a community to actually celebrate a life/death the way they deserve is to have been born into a culture that actually does it. I mean, yes grief hurts like a mother****** but there isn't exactly anyone lifting us up after a death, is there?
What beautiful traditions. A celebration of life. Love the colors photos. I want the traditional Jewish memorial but definitely want people to tell funny stories and laugh their asses off.
In Bhutan people think about their death everyday because nothing is permanent. They say those who not have thought about their death tend to have regrets on their deathbed. (like we do in the Western world-it's 'taboo' to talk about it!) They call it mindfulness of the body so that 'if you can see a cliff coming, you can change your mental course and become more compassionate and mindful' about living! Isn't that wonderful?! And so are the other ways that you mention in this post Kristi! So interesting!!
Soooo interesting. I super love learning about how different parts of the world do this differently (perhaps better?) than we do. The weight of grief is enormous and it would've been nice to know how to lighten the load.
On the way to school recently, my high school senior asked me about my plans for when I die. “You have a playlist, right?” I confirmed this to be true. “It’s a work in progress that I’m adding to all the time. Put together, it will include clues about my life, and messages to everyone, and definitely, definitely, I expect people to dance!!”
It comes from the dubious benefit of lived perspective. My only sibling was diagnosed with cancer at 19. He died when he was 34. So I’ve lived most of my life with a different take on mortality than people who aren’t confronted with death at an early age. The difference in my perspective really sank in when my siblings-in-law started voicing “epiphanies” about the brevity of life and ideas about mortality as they moved into middle age. Silently, I thought to myself as I listened to them a sort of “duh.” Because it was already so woven into the fabric of who I am, I had already entertained those thoughts hundreds of times over. It struck me that their ignorance of it up until that point was a sort of privilege; one countered by my own privilege in having a really long runway to contemplate and celebrate and ruminate over these feelings and concepts. It had also afforded me the privilege of being able to choose how I want my passing to be commemorated. Like you say, it catches most people unprepared.
Wow, thanks for sharing this. I think when we are sheltered from death, it does shelter you.
I was talking to a friend who goes to funerals a lot because of the community responsibility she has in her culture. Often very sad circumstances. I’m sure that impacts her in ways that I couldn’t imagine.
I love this. Most people don't think ahead to that point. I certainly haven't but I suspect it makes things easier for those who have to handle your affairs!
I had to choose 3 songs for my son's memorial slideshow and it was torturous trying to think of what he'd appreciate rather than the sappy sad music I wanted to use lol.
I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you. I love that you tried imagining yourself in his headspace, picking his songs over “yours.” I do think that is such a challenging part of the loss process. People are expected to make a thousand little decisions at a time when they are often least suited to it. It is another reason why I think about leaving a roadmap for my people. Then they won’t have to second guess things, argue too much with each other, or piss off my spirit by making a choice I’d hate!
And thank you for your kind words. My saving grace was Covid…I didn’t have to face his memorial until 11 months later due to restrictions. Even after that long it was hell getting through it and I distinctly remember telling my mom that I don’t know how people do that mere weeks after a loss. It’s a big, emotional job!
Our grieving process is boring compared to that. I want a shoe too! Or something really colourful with lots of flowers. When my dad passed away, at the funeral we passed out permanent markers in different colours and then let people write a message on the coffin. It was kind of cool to give him one last message.
I soooo love that Sophie! What a brilliant idea ❤️
I love this, thanks Kristi. I could go on about my thoughts around North American's wacked ideas about death and dying but who needs one more internet opinion. What we do need are more great essays like this. It's fascinating that Jamaicans say good-bye with a replica of the deceased's home.
LOL didn't you know Donna....everyone needs another internet opinion! 😁
And yes, those replica grave markers are pretty insane. It's so neat what one can do when they live in a country where people are free to build what they want to on their own property. Here you need permission to paint your door red I'm sure lol.
My whole family just does parties now. They gave up on the funerals because people kept insisting on bringing in a pastor and intoning a bunch of stiff stuff in solemn tones that none of us wanted to hear. Things the deceased person specifically asked to NOT have at their funeral in several cases.
So instead we meet at a house and do food and drink until it's really late.
Illegally spreading ashes at the person's favorite location is also what we do. Sometimes you gotta be sneaky in Canada.
This is the best! Way to go Tim.
LOL at the illegal part. Trust me, when I'm ready I'll be doing illegal things as well. Who's going to see me in the mountains?
I love that you guys make it a lively home affair. When I see those on TV it looks like way more fun than what I've done in the past. Sadly, the most important memorial I have ever/will ever do happened during Covid with restrictions. We only got one shot and it was a pandemic. Boooooooo.
That’s really too bad. But you could always have another memorial party now
We do dinner get-togethers on his birthday every year now so it's a lot more fun and free~!
My dad's side goes all in on catering and serious alcohol for a week. It looks like a party to outsiders, who often misbehave because after 3 drinks they forget it's a funeral. One of my brother's coworkers outed him as gay at our dad's funeral. NOT cool.
Holy smokes!!! Sounds like an Irish party to me. We have longtime family friends who are Irish and ALL their gatherings are like this, even if someone died!
Kristi, I had a big laugh (in the appropriate spot!) about the old woman who lived in a shoe. The grave marker replica of the house is remarkable! As you know, we just returned from Madagascar where we witnessed two Famadihana celebrations. The Malagasy custom is known as "the turning of the bones." Loved ones are exhumed and their bodies are wrapped in new shrouds. Relatives and friends truly celebrate this time spent with that person again---the merriment includes a parade (and a lot of rum). In Bali, we saw the roadside cremations you mentioned. Imagine! I've seen documentaries about the Indian custom of cremation where everyone gathers in hopes that the skulls will explode (a good omen).
Jann Arden's book If I Knew Then was a big inspiration for me to have a will done. Just a fun fact---if you are donating money to a certain charity and also list family members as recipients of your savings, the allocated money goes to the charities first.
Fantasy coffins! Thanks for the lesson, Kristi.
I’ve seen that same documentary about the Indian cremations!!! It was fascinating! Like, of course the loved ones were sad but it was still such an intriguing and celebratory custom to witness.
The turning of the bones sounds equally as neat. I can’t imagine but then again, maybe some people can’t imagine why I wear jewelry with my son’s ashes inside lol.
See, this is why I love travel and stories about faraway places. There is SO much we don’t know! Thank you for sharing your insights of Madagascar.
Thanks for opting to write about a non-trending topic with panache, Kristi!
Lol just one more service I provide!
a friends mom recently passed - she was a spitfire. we held her memorial at a brewery and passed around jello shots (always her contribution to a party).
officially want sparkles mixed in with my ashes or perhaps dusted over my body.
Kristen, that is AWESOME! I bet her spirit was on fire with happiness that day 😊
I also want sparkles or the fireworks thing hahahaha
That's a fascinating tradition! I'm a bit more familiar with European traditions than Caribbean. I've never been to a European funerary service, but tending to grave sites is much more common there. I have visited catacombs and "bone houses" in the Austrian Alps with stacked painted human skulls and other bones. Its pretty jarring compared to what we consider normal. Also pretty stark contrast to being buried in a shoe!
Also, you might be interested in Niki Elle (can't tag her in a comment) her on Substack. Her publication is called Full of Life and some of her content relates to her work as a Death Doula and grief counselor.
Bone Houses! Sounds like the name of a true crime documentary I would watch 😁 Fascinating! I love learning about weird things around the world.
And thanks for dropping Niki's name. I'll go look at her.
My husband has Māori decent, so I have been able to see how things are done differently in their culture, as well as Polynesian cultures through in-laws and close friends.
The loved one is returned to the family, from the funeral home, leading up to the funeral.
People are encouraged to visit with the loved one and the family on the days leading up the funeral. Telling stories, to sing, to cry and to laugh. This can be at the home, if it’s big enough, or a hall or marae (a sacred gathering place for the Māori). You can even sleep around the loved one. Something unheard of in a lot of cultures.
You can move through your grief, and feel the full gambit of emotion. You are not alone.
Families are fully supported. Everyone close to the family kicks into gear, supplying food for the family and visitors etc. Children grow up in it and understand how to move through grief emotionally and practically.
I haven’t had a lot to do with my Japanese culture around funerals. But I do love how loved ones are often together on a family grave stone (in Japan they mostly cremate) and there are deep traditions around visiting the grave, as well as having pictures and a Buddhist alter in the home to pray and remember those who have passed on.
Thanks for sharing how other cultures honour departed loved ones. 💕
In NZ, there are a lot of us with English decent. We often send our loved ones off with a eulogy (often learning so much more about the person), stories, poems, songs and some finger food at the end to pay our respects to the family and catch up with old faces.
Mika, thank you so much for sharing both your cultures with us! It’s so neat learning and I bet for as much as we think theirs is strange or different, they think the same of us.
BTW, here in Canada we’re also pretty big on eulogies.
I love this story, Kristi. It's beautiful, and that they wanted to include you. Grief is such a bummer. I think having others around who respect the loved one and know where you're coming from is such a gift. Thanks for sharing this.
Bummer is a perfect word for it. And I love that other cultures know how to make it less of a bummer!
So true. A better connection it seems.
That's funny, MY bank told me August was Make A Will month! Actually I think EVERY month should be. Loved your story of the Jamaican funeral, and yeah, we do a pretty shit job here in the US of A. It's part of what I am trying to change, one newsletter at a time! My dream project is a coffee table book of funeral traditions from around the world.
I LOVE that idea! What a random and niche idea lol. I'd probably buy it!
Going to check out your newsletter now...
Let me know if you want to collaborate. It's a big world and I don't know how I'd cover it all by myself!
We are just so weird about death in North America. Like it's not supposed to happen to anybody, ever — which is about as anti-life an attitude as a culture can have. Sigh.
I think in order for a community to actually celebrate a life/death the way they deserve is to have been born into a culture that actually does it. I mean, yes grief hurts like a mother****** but there isn't exactly anyone lifting us up after a death, is there?
I know what you mean. Hugs.
What beautiful traditions. A celebration of life. Love the colors photos. I want the traditional Jewish memorial but definitely want people to tell funny stories and laugh their asses off.
That would be so fitting for you!
In Bhutan people think about their death everyday because nothing is permanent. They say those who not have thought about their death tend to have regrets on their deathbed. (like we do in the Western world-it's 'taboo' to talk about it!) They call it mindfulness of the body so that 'if you can see a cliff coming, you can change your mental course and become more compassionate and mindful' about living! Isn't that wonderful?! And so are the other ways that you mention in this post Kristi! So interesting!!
Soooo interesting. I super love learning about how different parts of the world do this differently (perhaps better?) than we do. The weight of grief is enormous and it would've been nice to know how to lighten the load.
Me too, I agree! Perhaps better!
Oh yes. I expect everyone to dance at my funeral. Even those who are skittish about dancing.
I love this piece!
On the way to school recently, my high school senior asked me about my plans for when I die. “You have a playlist, right?” I confirmed this to be true. “It’s a work in progress that I’m adding to all the time. Put together, it will include clues about my life, and messages to everyone, and definitely, definitely, I expect people to dance!!”
My dad has already made a playlist and it includes a lot of Queen.
He just mentioned the other day that the first song is “I want to break free”…I’m pretty sure he wasn’t joking 😅
It comes from the dubious benefit of lived perspective. My only sibling was diagnosed with cancer at 19. He died when he was 34. So I’ve lived most of my life with a different take on mortality than people who aren’t confronted with death at an early age. The difference in my perspective really sank in when my siblings-in-law started voicing “epiphanies” about the brevity of life and ideas about mortality as they moved into middle age. Silently, I thought to myself as I listened to them a sort of “duh.” Because it was already so woven into the fabric of who I am, I had already entertained those thoughts hundreds of times over. It struck me that their ignorance of it up until that point was a sort of privilege; one countered by my own privilege in having a really long runway to contemplate and celebrate and ruminate over these feelings and concepts. It had also afforded me the privilege of being able to choose how I want my passing to be commemorated. Like you say, it catches most people unprepared.
Wow, thanks for sharing this. I think when we are sheltered from death, it does shelter you.
I was talking to a friend who goes to funerals a lot because of the community responsibility she has in her culture. Often very sad circumstances. I’m sure that impacts her in ways that I couldn’t imagine.
💐 honouring and remembering your brother xx
I love this. Most people don't think ahead to that point. I certainly haven't but I suspect it makes things easier for those who have to handle your affairs!
I had to choose 3 songs for my son's memorial slideshow and it was torturous trying to think of what he'd appreciate rather than the sappy sad music I wanted to use lol.
I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you. I love that you tried imagining yourself in his headspace, picking his songs over “yours.” I do think that is such a challenging part of the loss process. People are expected to make a thousand little decisions at a time when they are often least suited to it. It is another reason why I think about leaving a roadmap for my people. Then they won’t have to second guess things, argue too much with each other, or piss off my spirit by making a choice I’d hate!
Trust me, you’re doing them a favor lol.
And thank you for your kind words. My saving grace was Covid…I didn’t have to face his memorial until 11 months later due to restrictions. Even after that long it was hell getting through it and I distinctly remember telling my mom that I don’t know how people do that mere weeks after a loss. It’s a big, emotional job!