How to Spice Up Your Life By Sending Unsolicited Emails To Strangers

My shameless obsession with responding to classified ads just so I can give my opinion.

Everything costs money the minute you walk out the door.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a (nearly viral) post about how I can’t afford to have much of a wild time these days.

Well, today I’m here to testify that you don’t even need to leave the house to find your Wildhood anymore. Sometimes you can just stay home and open up the online classifieds.

For years I had kept a longstanding tradition of corresponding with online strangers. I frequently sent unsolicited replies to classified ads, however, my gift of anonymous sass has been dormant and uninspired for quite some time now.

Until yesterday…when I spotted the most ridiculous ad for a house for rent.

The moment I stumbled onto the ad, I simply could NOT hold my tongue and my typing fingers any longer.

Here’s how the ad read:

“Dive into a world where every day feels like a vacation in this stunning, nearly 2000 square-foot sanctuary, perfectly perched in the vibrant, family-centric community of Evanston.

This is not just a house, it’s the home of your dreams. Here, luxury seamlessly blends with utmost comfort, offering 3 plush bedrooms, 3.5 sparkling bathrooms, and an oversized double attached garage, providing safe haven for your prized vehicles.

The journey continues in the fully finished basement, a versatile expanse featuring a 3-piece bathroom, a vast recreation room ready to host your office or even transform into a 4th bedroom, alongside a large laundry room for unparalleled convenience.

**The house will be completely unfinished. No smoke and no pets**”

Listen….

I used to write luxury vacation property listings for a job and NONE of them ever sounded this ridiculous 😂😂 The fanciness of this listing compelled me to click into the photos to see exactly what kind of vacation this house was taking me on.

I DIED when I saw the pics and couldn’t resist responding.

Here’s what I said:

“I love your effort in writing such a lavish listing lol. But you haven’t shown a single photo of the PLUSH bedrooms, sparkling bathrooms, or anything that remotely resembles a vacation.

I mean, your first photo is a washer and dryer in a basement. That’s not a vacation, that’s more like captivity…unless Cinderella comes with the house. PS: The second-last line in your listing also says the house is completely unfinished. Did you mean unFURNISHED? (I’m sorry, I had to respond. I’m a writer and I can’t let this slide.)”

No comments in return, so far.

Responding to that ad yesterday made me recall several years ago when I came across an ad for a nice little townhouse. Almost every photo showed the same dog photo-bombing as if the listing was her own Instagram profile.

The best part of the ad was at the end of the description. It read, “Pet dog is negotiable.”

I nearly fell over laughing. I knew it meant that a potential renter could bring their own dog but the way it was worded along with this dog appearing in all the photos, you get how it sounds, right?

I HAD to reach out to the homeowner and say:

“I couldn’t resist emailing to say I love how the dog photo-bombed all your pictures. Is this the pet dog that’s negotiable?”

I was sure no one would email me back because I didn’t even ask a question about the house, but I did get a reply!

“Thank you! She is very photogenic so I had to make sure to include her. Unfortunately, though she doesn’t come with the townhouse lol.”

And this stupid little interaction made my entire day.

Speaking of replying to online classifieds, we also need to be cautious. Creepy people are out there but so are lonely people and sometimes the lonely ones can turn into creepy, lonely ones.

A few years ago I was giving away some patio chairs for free via a community ad forum. The lady who came to pick them up must have felt guilty about the freeness because she brought me a carton of Sunrype apple juice in exchange.

I didn’t want anything in return for the chairs but I guess she felt compelled to give me something. I thought it was cute.

Anyway, I don’t drink apple juice so I thought it would be funny to put another ad online to try and give away the apple juice. Clearly, I was bored that day so here’s what I wrote in the ad:

“A while back I gave away some patio chairs and I think the lady who took them felt guilty about getting them for free, so she brought me this unopened carton of apple juice.

I would have been excited if it was pineapple juice because at least that mixes well with rum.

Here’s a photo of apple juice with a pretty background to make it more appealing, because it’s just apple juice. This unopened carton is good until August 2019 and it’s yours for FREE!”

I put the ad up as a social experiment to see if I could have some fun with it but alas, there don’t seem to be any fun people where I live.

I got ONE reply.

From a guy named Chris.

And he asked what I was looking for in a male adult friend.

Me: “I’m not looking for anything. It’s just an apple juice ad.”

Chris: “Oh I see. I thought your ad was to break the ice, leading to conversation and perhaps a proposition. Sorry, I was looking for a friend and a lover.”

Me: “Sorry. I’m a writer. I was looking for a funny story.”

The full conversation was much more in-depth than this little snippet. It carried on for a couple of days and several attempts on his part to get my phone number so we could text, which never happened.

Is this really what it has come down to? Are men looking for dates through apple juice ads? Honestly, I was a little taken aback, and slightly offended that he assumed a lighthearted ad was intentionally placed to look for a partner.

A “proposition” even.

Are people really this lonely? Or are men just this brazen?

Maybe Chris genuinely was just a lonely guy.

Maybe some apple juice could have been the start of the greatest love story of all time. Just not in my lifetime.

Have you ever come across a classified ad so ridiculous that you felt compelled to respond, even though you didn’t want what they were selling?

Have you ever placed an ad just for kicks to see if you could get a good story?

Are you going to take a walk on the wild side and do it now? Just to find out?