Kristi, love this. I also love the way you yell 'plot twist' and adapt. I know it wouldn't have felt like that at the time, and I'm so sorry to hear about your child. As a mother, it's one of our worst fears, isn't it?
My own reinvention is a work in progress, I've been learning and reading and writing tons over the last couple of years in particular and just getting around to sharing some of what I've learned. The urge to run away and spend some serious time in the wild is so strong, but life. Not willing to burn down the house right now. I fantasize about doing a long through-hike in mountains that might take a month or two, then come back with the sun in my eyes and the wind in my hair and just do it all differently.
Instead, I'm making small incremental changes and being available for the people that need me.
Trying to trust that the process will get me to where I need to be.
Andrea, I'm so glad you found this post in my archives. It's one of my favorites.
And there is no instruction manual for reinvention. Whichever way you're going about it is right for your life. You'll get there, and when you do...call me. We'll meet for mimosas 😊
I'd love to go to one of those diners, we don't have them in NZ. But the image creates several stories in my head. I've never lived in the wildhood, but I certainly want to now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And. This doesn’t few like a story of grief. It feels like a story of rebirth and I am so f-ing here for it! I love your words. I love your energy and I want to cheer you on to living out loud again as next level Kristi.
Thank you Kelsey 😊😊 I think I wore myself out of grief stories in the first two years. There's a whole catalog of them on Medium and I swear, writing (and definitely my dog) saved my life.
Kristi, it was like the universe magically sent your article to me. You put into words what I have felt over the last year, "These photographs and hundreds more are reminders that I used to be fearless in the pursuit of things that set my soul on fire. But somewhere along the way, I lost my soul.".
I am also on this journey of continually returning to myself, remembering and reminding myself that she is in there, always has been and I just need to choose HER everyday.
“She had no destination in mind, but she went anyway because there was a road….or sometimes, no road at all.” And meaning in a sunset.
And ooof, grief and fear and stability can, indeed, be thieves or what fulfills us.
Beautiful juxtapositions here. And I love the idea of what a comeback may hold for someone who’s lived so fully and also knows the depths of sorrow, which is another part of life’s fullness perhaps.
Kristi, I’m so sorry about the loss of your child.
Thank you Holly. I'm getting there, slowly! Now you understand a little why your Baltimore piece landed the way it did for me. Wanderlust can be complicated but it's always worth it somehow.
I ran away from my old life, although I didn't get a job at a diner. (I couldn't waitress to save my life.) I ran to Australia, (8,000 or so miles from home) and the job I got was with the Bank of New South Wales. I arrived in Oz with an extra $50 to my name, and the address of an opera-singing mother of an acquaintance, who I quickly fell out with. It's crazy what you do when you're young and foolish. I was lucky. I didn't die, although I did have a close encounter. Would I do it again, without travel insurance, extra lugguage, any reservations, as I did the first time? Not only your life!
I understand that need to run away. Have written a draft novel called The Diner, but it was about someone running away from the Diner instead of toward it. Hmm, my draft is in this pile of paper somewhere....
Sorry to hear about the troubles you had in covid times. Good to see that you're turning the corner with your writing.
I have to be honest Julia, I ALWAYS saw you as a force to be reckoned with, from the first time you submitted to my travel pub on Medium. So, for me to read about your vulnerabilities now, a few years later, is such an eye opener. You always seemed so indestructible.
Isn't it funny/strange what impressions we form of others just by what they write?
I am really appreciative of your honesty these days AND our rekindling of sorts.
PS: This is such a great line: "To draw from what gave us the guts we need now in order to be the next person."
Whether I like it or not, Kristi, and sometimes I don't, my greatest superpower is my vulnerability. That is a hard muscle to flex, for it means I have to forfeit some bravura. I fully intend to get back to what I love, but the reality is that I have to temper it, for parts of me have been destroyed. I've got most of my parts back, but lost some bones, some balance, some dexterity and a bit more. For me to do what I want, I have another full year of rehab. I either let that get me down or I recognize how effing fortunate I am that I didn't come home in a box. We are both forces, Kristi, and we often don't realize that the real force is authenticity. I'll be moving Walkabout over here eventually. Probably lose a few readers but my poor site never gets beyond sixty people...and that basically pays the light bill. You can understand all too well. Hug the pupper for me.
This is gorgeously written Kristi. And while I’ve never been “carefree Heather”, I definitely am looking for the balls to make my own new start. Inching ever closer. Slowly, slowly, slowly... until it’s time to jump. ❤️
Love your honesty, not to ignore at all the damn fine writing. Brava!
As I read this I remembered that strange, beautiful, haunting movie, Bagdad Cafe, where two women find their true selves at a rundown motel/cafe in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Many ‘what the hell?’ moments but I had to stay to the end.
I know this diner! I know this town! I've been by it a million times in my travels. Love the pics.
It's hard to equate feeling lost under life's layers of the regular responsibilities of adulthood with the grief of losing your child. They are not the same thing so I want to preface my comment by recognizing not all challenges are created equally and my heart aches for you Kristi.
I am so thankful for my past (also in Alberta) and the wild experiences I had, I would change none of it. Dances with strangers coupled with a tremendous feeling of freedom and potential. I no longer miss dancing with strangers (although I certainly need more dancing in general) but I long for that feeling of liberation. I believe we can find personal empowerment at any age but it may not look how we want, or expect, it to appear. It requires us to gently peel back the layers, to recognize that joy and grief can co-exist and one does not negate the other, to find the things that light us up and walk toward them.
Nooooo way! You've been to the diner?? Such a small world, I never expected to run into anyone from Alberta on Substack hahaha.
Isn't it a wonderful little road stop? And for me, so very metaphorical. Nothing but good memories at Starlight, even WITH the prison memories!
I REALLY appreciate your comments Donna. What beautiful sentiment laced into your words. Life is such a grand journey with so many stops and starts and derailments. I'm truly enjoying such a variety of responses to this post.
There's a little diner called Lisas Place in Christina Lake BC that closed, then opened up again for the truckers! Remember how hard they had it, no where to stop, no where ti buy food.
They would drive in, call in their order then Lisa would run it out to their truck.
She opened a washroom for them to use, too.
Not sure if the diner made it in the years after. The fires in the interior last year made people stay away.
My god, I want to get a fracking coffee with you ASAP. But for now, a little bit of my comeback....
2020 was also a shitstorm! But dare I say, the best thing that happened!? I had moved to Denver a little before covid on a whim, being that spontaneous Anne, imagining I would LAUNCH my training career way further....that didn't happen. When Covid creeped in, I found potential in online training and I had a blast....until my drinking got out of control and I wasn't me anymore. But in less than a year I forged my way out! And I have never been so focused, clear, fierce, etc. (2.5 years now). BUT GET THIS. A few months after this happened I was recruited by Marvel (YEAH THE MOVIE STUDIO) for a gig on one of their shows a a personal trainer to cast & crew. Talk about comebacks. While that gig ended a year ago, it gave me a reason and a launch pad to build my online training business where I train remarkable human beings that continue to fall in my circle. I'm still not sure about many things. Will I make it as an entreprener? Should I settle down? Why am I nervous to travel further and longer? But I can say I show up every day and dabble in uncomfortable things here and there :) One thing, one workout, one diner door at a time! HUGS!
WOW!!! What a story Anne! Sounds like you've come such a long way in a short time. I'm really loving all of the feedback coming in on this post. It legit makes me feel like I'm not as far away from normal as I thought lol.
I LOVE how you finished your comment: "One diner door at a time." ❤️
Oh Lordy, this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. Whew. Wondering where that other me went off to and how to get some of her back . . . meet you at the diner?
Kristi, love this. I also love the way you yell 'plot twist' and adapt. I know it wouldn't have felt like that at the time, and I'm so sorry to hear about your child. As a mother, it's one of our worst fears, isn't it?
My own reinvention is a work in progress, I've been learning and reading and writing tons over the last couple of years in particular and just getting around to sharing some of what I've learned. The urge to run away and spend some serious time in the wild is so strong, but life. Not willing to burn down the house right now. I fantasize about doing a long through-hike in mountains that might take a month or two, then come back with the sun in my eyes and the wind in my hair and just do it all differently.
Instead, I'm making small incremental changes and being available for the people that need me.
Trying to trust that the process will get me to where I need to be.
Andrea, I'm so glad you found this post in my archives. It's one of my favorites.
And there is no instruction manual for reinvention. Whichever way you're going about it is right for your life. You'll get there, and when you do...call me. We'll meet for mimosas 😊
I'd love to go to one of those diners, we don't have them in NZ. But the image creates several stories in my head. I've never lived in the wildhood, but I certainly want to now.
Fiona, these diners kind of remind me of those movies made about small-town America. Hollywood makes it easy to imagine, doesn't it?
I’m so sorry for your loss. And. This doesn’t few like a story of grief. It feels like a story of rebirth and I am so f-ing here for it! I love your words. I love your energy and I want to cheer you on to living out loud again as next level Kristi.
Thank you Kelsey 😊😊 I think I wore myself out of grief stories in the first two years. There's a whole catalog of them on Medium and I swear, writing (and definitely my dog) saved my life.
I'm ready now. He'd want me to be ready!
Kristi, it was like the universe magically sent your article to me. You put into words what I have felt over the last year, "These photographs and hundreds more are reminders that I used to be fearless in the pursuit of things that set my soul on fire. But somewhere along the way, I lost my soul.".
I am also on this journey of continually returning to myself, remembering and reminding myself that she is in there, always has been and I just need to choose HER everyday.
Thank you 🙏
Aww man, this makes me so happy to hear that there’s at least one more of us on this journey ❤️
I love how you said "I need to choose HER every day." That resonates a lot for me right now.
Hey...maybe someday we'll feel inspired to meet halfway and go for lunch at "the diner." 😊
You read my mind! I was thinking the exact same thing, maybe one day we will meet halfway and have lunch at the diner 🌟 How COOL would that be?
I'm down for a drive ANY time...after winter lol.
100% fair! Lol Hwy 2 can be deadly this time of year.
“She had no destination in mind, but she went anyway because there was a road….or sometimes, no road at all.” And meaning in a sunset.
And ooof, grief and fear and stability can, indeed, be thieves or what fulfills us.
Beautiful juxtapositions here. And I love the idea of what a comeback may hold for someone who’s lived so fully and also knows the depths of sorrow, which is another part of life’s fullness perhaps.
Kristi, I’m so sorry about the loss of your child.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.
Thank you Holly. I'm getting there, slowly! Now you understand a little why your Baltimore piece landed the way it did for me. Wanderlust can be complicated but it's always worth it somehow.
Agreed
I ran away from my old life, although I didn't get a job at a diner. (I couldn't waitress to save my life.) I ran to Australia, (8,000 or so miles from home) and the job I got was with the Bank of New South Wales. I arrived in Oz with an extra $50 to my name, and the address of an opera-singing mother of an acquaintance, who I quickly fell out with. It's crazy what you do when you're young and foolish. I was lucky. I didn't die, although I did have a close encounter. Would I do it again, without travel insurance, extra lugguage, any reservations, as I did the first time? Not only your life!
WOW Rose!! That's is quite the story! And I bet that even though you wouldn't do it again you've got unforgettable memories of how strong you've been!
Glad you enjoyed the nutshell story: it is a condensed version of my memoir.
I understand that need to run away. Have written a draft novel called The Diner, but it was about someone running away from the Diner instead of toward it. Hmm, my draft is in this pile of paper somewhere....
Sorry to hear about the troubles you had in covid times. Good to see that you're turning the corner with your writing.
Yay Alta! I'm in BC.
That sounds like an interesting novel. I'm curious already!
I'd love to live in BC but alas...it is for rich people now 😂
ah, I was already here. Raised a family here. The rise in prices affects me but at least I have somewhere to live.
I'll see if I can find the draft.....
This is a beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much Reginald ❤️ I appreciate your comments!
You are woven all throughout my piece today Kristi:
https://open.substack.com/pub/toooldforthis/p/youre-too-old-to-let-the-thief-of?r=aywou&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
The beach with the wreck spoke volumes about where we both are right now. See what you think.
On my way to read it!
Mentioned and quoted you in this:
https://www.walkaboutsaga.com/step-outside-and-stand-in-the-wind-the-secret-to-spreading-our-wings/
This was AWESOME to read!!
I have to be honest Julia, I ALWAYS saw you as a force to be reckoned with, from the first time you submitted to my travel pub on Medium. So, for me to read about your vulnerabilities now, a few years later, is such an eye opener. You always seemed so indestructible.
Isn't it funny/strange what impressions we form of others just by what they write?
I am really appreciative of your honesty these days AND our rekindling of sorts.
PS: This is such a great line: "To draw from what gave us the guts we need now in order to be the next person."
Whether I like it or not, Kristi, and sometimes I don't, my greatest superpower is my vulnerability. That is a hard muscle to flex, for it means I have to forfeit some bravura. I fully intend to get back to what I love, but the reality is that I have to temper it, for parts of me have been destroyed. I've got most of my parts back, but lost some bones, some balance, some dexterity and a bit more. For me to do what I want, I have another full year of rehab. I either let that get me down or I recognize how effing fortunate I am that I didn't come home in a box. We are both forces, Kristi, and we often don't realize that the real force is authenticity. I'll be moving Walkabout over here eventually. Probably lose a few readers but my poor site never gets beyond sixty people...and that basically pays the light bill. You can understand all too well. Hug the pupper for me.
Totally understand. When you move it, Wildhood and Walkabout can do a collaboration!
This is gorgeously written Kristi. And while I’ve never been “carefree Heather”, I definitely am looking for the balls to make my own new start. Inching ever closer. Slowly, slowly, slowly... until it’s time to jump. ❤️
Thanks Heather ❤️
And I AM rooting for you! Let me know when it's your go-time and I'll send you alllllll the good vibes!
Love your honesty, not to ignore at all the damn fine writing. Brava!
As I read this I remembered that strange, beautiful, haunting movie, Bagdad Cafe, where two women find their true selves at a rundown motel/cafe in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Many ‘what the hell?’ moments but I had to stay to the end.
Like life.
I've never heard of that movie. I'm curious now, is it available on Netflix or streaming?
It is available. I'm not sure if you can find it for free.
https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/bagdad_cafe
I know this diner! I know this town! I've been by it a million times in my travels. Love the pics.
It's hard to equate feeling lost under life's layers of the regular responsibilities of adulthood with the grief of losing your child. They are not the same thing so I want to preface my comment by recognizing not all challenges are created equally and my heart aches for you Kristi.
I am so thankful for my past (also in Alberta) and the wild experiences I had, I would change none of it. Dances with strangers coupled with a tremendous feeling of freedom and potential. I no longer miss dancing with strangers (although I certainly need more dancing in general) but I long for that feeling of liberation. I believe we can find personal empowerment at any age but it may not look how we want, or expect, it to appear. It requires us to gently peel back the layers, to recognize that joy and grief can co-exist and one does not negate the other, to find the things that light us up and walk toward them.
Thank you so much for this excellent essay💕
Nooooo way! You've been to the diner?? Such a small world, I never expected to run into anyone from Alberta on Substack hahaha.
Isn't it a wonderful little road stop? And for me, so very metaphorical. Nothing but good memories at Starlight, even WITH the prison memories!
I REALLY appreciate your comments Donna. What beautiful sentiment laced into your words. Life is such a grand journey with so many stops and starts and derailments. I'm truly enjoying such a variety of responses to this post.
Kindred Alberta souls, but I'm in BC now.
Me too!
There's a little diner called Lisas Place in Christina Lake BC that closed, then opened up again for the truckers! Remember how hard they had it, no where to stop, no where ti buy food.
They would drive in, call in their order then Lisa would run it out to their truck.
She opened a washroom for them to use, too.
Not sure if the diner made it in the years after. The fires in the interior last year made people stay away.
I was just through Christina Lake this summer and I think I saw a diner that was open but I didn't catch the name.
Thanks for sharing this story Tree!
Aww that's so charming of her. I love little diners!!
When I win the lotto I'll probably move to BC too 😁
It's definitely a sad state of affairs. I am in a super touristy area so it's nutty to say the least.
My god, I want to get a fracking coffee with you ASAP. But for now, a little bit of my comeback....
2020 was also a shitstorm! But dare I say, the best thing that happened!? I had moved to Denver a little before covid on a whim, being that spontaneous Anne, imagining I would LAUNCH my training career way further....that didn't happen. When Covid creeped in, I found potential in online training and I had a blast....until my drinking got out of control and I wasn't me anymore. But in less than a year I forged my way out! And I have never been so focused, clear, fierce, etc. (2.5 years now). BUT GET THIS. A few months after this happened I was recruited by Marvel (YEAH THE MOVIE STUDIO) for a gig on one of their shows a a personal trainer to cast & crew. Talk about comebacks. While that gig ended a year ago, it gave me a reason and a launch pad to build my online training business where I train remarkable human beings that continue to fall in my circle. I'm still not sure about many things. Will I make it as an entreprener? Should I settle down? Why am I nervous to travel further and longer? But I can say I show up every day and dabble in uncomfortable things here and there :) One thing, one workout, one diner door at a time! HUGS!
WOW!!! What a story Anne! Sounds like you've come such a long way in a short time. I'm really loving all of the feedback coming in on this post. It legit makes me feel like I'm not as far away from normal as I thought lol.
I LOVE how you finished your comment: "One diner door at a time." ❤️
PS: I'm free for coffee and chat anytime!
Oh Lordy, this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. Whew. Wondering where that other me went off to and how to get some of her back . . . meet you at the diner?
Let's do it! Actually, that would be an awesome name for a chat group of people trying to do this. Meet You at Dinner! 😁
omg brilliant! I love it.
I have this dream too, running away, starting afresh. Not sure if it was the movies that incepted it or they just added material.
Looking at old photos can be inspirational, you’re post makes me want to do that.
What can I learn from the old and apply to the new? That type of thing.
I guess you never know what you can learn until you try it!