I've always been an oddball, not really wanting what others had to begin with. But I think maybe it manifests differently for me. It turns inward. When I'm around someone with self-confidence who isn't full of themselves, or who can speak with apparent ease in front of a small crowd... instead of feeling jealous, I feel disappointed in myself. Because I've tried, many times and in different ways, to attain that, but never got anywhere. So in my self-talk, it sounds like this: I'm a really smart person, why can't I learn this??
Thank you for sharing your inner world with us so candidly, Kristi! You bring voice to thoughts and feelings that we have all had in our journeys with such candor and humility. A deep bow and a lotus for you and your evolution 🙏🪷
If confession is good for the soul, Kristi, yours should be shining. Seriously, recognizing when our small/false/ego self has gotten the better of us (and it happens to ALL of us) is the key to growth. So good on you, kid. Go forth and sin no more ;-)
Yes envy is a sin, but you recognized it and moved past it! Yours is the second post in a row this morning that I've read that seems to have been “looking over my shoulder” as I did my Bible study! You condemning yourself for the sin of envy, and another learning not to let hateful language come out of her mouth anymore. Living -in other words- for the Glory of God! That's exactly what my Bible study was about this morning taken from Ephesians. Great job!
I appreciate your courage. You painted an exact picture of what envy feels like and how it manifests itself. I’ve fought it too. It’s always hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. Maybe casting light on it can eradicate it quicker.
As a poet, I Know Envy! It rankles. It flashes green lights at me frequently. But if I sit with it, it brings inspiration, which I’d have so much less of, should I stop surrounding myself with other poets to avoid my envy and self-doubt. The cure for envy, is doing our own thing…well, that’s the cure for all unhappiness, really!
Your essay is a great example of writing that brings a flash of envy - because I am also a Wannabee Essayist - then fills my head with inspiration, which leads to growth, Kristi.
Envy is a catalyst for improvement: my learning for today.
When I was traveling across the US guest teaching at yoga studios and doing chakra readings, I know I was the source of envy for many. I know this because people told me so.
At every studio, I’d sit in a chakra reading and someone would say, “I want to do what you do.” And I’d think inside my head “it isn’t as glorious and magickal as you think it is.”
I lived out of my Prius. 60-70% of my income went toward travel fees. I barely made enough to cover insurance car payment and cell phone bills. But I saw the country. Was hosted in amazing guest bedrooms, and wined and dined in fancy restaurants.
I envied the other traveling yoga teachers who went to the same studios. The ones who had more notoriety. The ones who had clauses in their contracts demanding a hotel with a Starbucks within half a block. The ones who were written about in Yoga Journal.
Then I was as hosted at a guest house in Naples Florida. It was owned by the daughter of JFKs personal physician and a wealthy member of the yoga studio. She hosted the guest teachers It was gorgeous. 5 bedrooms. On the beach. The first time I used a bidet! My host told me the guest before me was one of those famous yoga teachers. He came with an entourage.
He trashed the place!
She said she had to pay over $2000 in cleaning fees. She told me that I could come back anytime, even if I wasn’t teaching a workshop.
All envy evaporated. I decided I would much rather be a good person and cultivate relationships. I decided I didn’t know what was going on with those other teachers I had envied. And that there was possibly things there that I shouldn’t envy.
Isn’t that the truth?! We had hotel guests say all the time, ‘oh my gosh you’re living our dream!’ Really? It seems ‘easy’ to walk in others shoes but…reality!
Kristi I love this, and I’m sure many will, it’s gutsy!
You feeling like you wanna puke as you speak those words reminds me of my aya journeys (only 2 , that is enough!) where I’d puke up at facing the ugliness inside me. Except, I firmly believe the ugliness does not belong to us, it belongs to lack, and lack is a lie that has corrupted all of us in myriad ways. Let’s collectively puke shall we 🤮🤣
One of the things I enjoy about getting older is the softening of this challenging emotion, but it took decades and a lot of work to arrive there. I remind myself that between where I am now and where I want to be there is a gap, there will always always be a gap, and often that's where my best self goes to die! This has certainly happened on a few occasions.
Thanks for you vulnerability in this post because it gives the rest of us a reality check and the opportunity to do the same.
Donna, thankfully I have also calmed down as I've matured. I'm so unlike thos nowadays, HOWEVER...I admit I saw a new VA type gal pop up on Substack yesterday and for a brief moment I shuddered. But then i reminded myself that we all occupy our own space in this world.
Excellent writing
Your sunset photo with the back boob and block butt----it reminded me of the old woman/young woman optical illusion. https://www.livescience.com/63645-optical-illusion-young-old-woman.html
Ha! I remember those illusion drawings! They're so bizarre and confusing!
I've always been an oddball, not really wanting what others had to begin with. But I think maybe it manifests differently for me. It turns inward. When I'm around someone with self-confidence who isn't full of themselves, or who can speak with apparent ease in front of a small crowd... instead of feeling jealous, I feel disappointed in myself. Because I've tried, many times and in different ways, to attain that, but never got anywhere. So in my self-talk, it sounds like this: I'm a really smart person, why can't I learn this??
Thank you for sharing your inner world with us so candidly, Kristi! You bring voice to thoughts and feelings that we have all had in our journeys with such candor and humility. A deep bow and a lotus for you and your evolution 🙏🪷
Good writing as always,...and honest! It's not easy to "come clean" with our faults.
You're right about that!
If confession is good for the soul, Kristi, yours should be shining. Seriously, recognizing when our small/false/ego self has gotten the better of us (and it happens to ALL of us) is the key to growth. So good on you, kid. Go forth and sin no more ;-)
I feel anointed now 😁
Then my work here is done. Gonna hoist up my celestial robes and go eat a donut.
Yes envy is a sin, but you recognized it and moved past it! Yours is the second post in a row this morning that I've read that seems to have been “looking over my shoulder” as I did my Bible study! You condemning yourself for the sin of envy, and another learning not to let hateful language come out of her mouth anymore. Living -in other words- for the Glory of God! That's exactly what my Bible study was about this morning taken from Ephesians. Great job!
I appreciate your courage. You painted an exact picture of what envy feels like and how it manifests itself. I’ve fought it too. It’s always hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. Maybe casting light on it can eradicate it quicker.
Oh I have been there too!
As a poet, I Know Envy! It rankles. It flashes green lights at me frequently. But if I sit with it, it brings inspiration, which I’d have so much less of, should I stop surrounding myself with other poets to avoid my envy and self-doubt. The cure for envy, is doing our own thing…well, that’s the cure for all unhappiness, really!
Your essay is a great example of writing that brings a flash of envy - because I am also a Wannabee Essayist - then fills my head with inspiration, which leads to growth, Kristi.
Envy is a catalyst for improvement: my learning for today.
I have the same thoughts. Have compassion for yourself. We're all working on ourselves.
Everytime my fearful voice speaks up, I drown her out with Leslie Odom, Jr. singing, "The world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me."
As far as your picture goes,
- I knew that was an elbow.
- I didn't notice your butt at all. Hope you're not disappointed.
I just thought it was a beautiful photo.
Thans Jennifer 😊 Probably if I hadn't pointed it out nobody would notice 😁
Truth! I just thought it was an awesome photo; never occurred to me about the "back boob" or the butt package.
When I was traveling across the US guest teaching at yoga studios and doing chakra readings, I know I was the source of envy for many. I know this because people told me so.
At every studio, I’d sit in a chakra reading and someone would say, “I want to do what you do.” And I’d think inside my head “it isn’t as glorious and magickal as you think it is.”
I lived out of my Prius. 60-70% of my income went toward travel fees. I barely made enough to cover insurance car payment and cell phone bills. But I saw the country. Was hosted in amazing guest bedrooms, and wined and dined in fancy restaurants.
I envied the other traveling yoga teachers who went to the same studios. The ones who had more notoriety. The ones who had clauses in their contracts demanding a hotel with a Starbucks within half a block. The ones who were written about in Yoga Journal.
Then I was as hosted at a guest house in Naples Florida. It was owned by the daughter of JFKs personal physician and a wealthy member of the yoga studio. She hosted the guest teachers It was gorgeous. 5 bedrooms. On the beach. The first time I used a bidet! My host told me the guest before me was one of those famous yoga teachers. He came with an entourage.
He trashed the place!
She said she had to pay over $2000 in cleaning fees. She told me that I could come back anytime, even if I wasn’t teaching a workshop.
All envy evaporated. I decided I would much rather be a good person and cultivate relationships. I decided I didn’t know what was going on with those other teachers I had envied. And that there was possibly things there that I shouldn’t envy.
See? Nobody ever knows the real story behind each of our journeys!
Isn’t that the truth?! We had hotel guests say all the time, ‘oh my gosh you’re living our dream!’ Really? It seems ‘easy’ to walk in others shoes but…reality!
Remind me to avoid the Haterade at the stores...
Kristi I love this, and I’m sure many will, it’s gutsy!
You feeling like you wanna puke as you speak those words reminds me of my aya journeys (only 2 , that is enough!) where I’d puke up at facing the ugliness inside me. Except, I firmly believe the ugliness does not belong to us, it belongs to lack, and lack is a lie that has corrupted all of us in myriad ways. Let’s collectively puke shall we 🤮🤣
You are a truly brave writer , so much respect💜
Collectively puke...that's such a good phrase hahaha. It's like purging.
One of the things I enjoy about getting older is the softening of this challenging emotion, but it took decades and a lot of work to arrive there. I remind myself that between where I am now and where I want to be there is a gap, there will always always be a gap, and often that's where my best self goes to die! This has certainly happened on a few occasions.
Thanks for you vulnerability in this post because it gives the rest of us a reality check and the opportunity to do the same.
Donna, thankfully I have also calmed down as I've matured. I'm so unlike thos nowadays, HOWEVER...I admit I saw a new VA type gal pop up on Substack yesterday and for a brief moment I shuddered. But then i reminded myself that we all occupy our own space in this world.
Haha, try being in the personal growth space🤣 It’s comical!!
The struggle is real!
Oh that gap!! Haha, where your best self goes to die, I love it
Yes, sad but true!